Searching within

Emotionally I am up and down.. but over all things are going ok. I have managed to keep up with my school work for the most part. I wish I wish I wish.. that I wasn't one of those students that had to work full time while going to school. I wish I wish I wish that I could take things at a much slower pace even if it was only for a little while. I know there are ways that I could do that.. but that would mean I'd have to make huge sacrifices and really I don't think that's possible now without hurting myself more in the long run.

A few months ago I emailed my ex asking him if he had my year books and a few other things that I seem to have misplaced over the years and he just responded recently with.. "no I don't know where any of that is but I'll keep my eyes open, I'd like to talk to you soon." To that I say ok. So then I respond saying "thanks for looking, take care." He responds with a link to a photo album online. I look and I see someone that I dated and admired and worshiped for two entire years of my life and yes that sounds like a small amount of time but really it's a large amount of time when you're young naive and in love. What I saw then I'm not sure, what I see now is nothing like what I saw then. I lived in a bubble, a fantasy.. whatever you want to call it it wasn't reality. I guess it's not fair to say it wasn't reality but it sure isn't anything like the reality I see now.

For those of you that don't know he had two kids so I played mom along with devoted girlfriend. I don't regret any of it and I definitely have gained a lot of experience just in those two years of life. It's just hard to look back and see what I thought was so wonderful. I saw pictures of the kids and I felt nothing. They are strangers to me now right along with him. I can say that I do remember the good things as well as the bad things. Feeling love as intensely as I did for the first time was absolutely amazing and I'm not sure that after having felt it one time that I'll ever feel that again. I don't mind talking to him but I don't think he has the same idea after we talk. I get the feeling that he has hope that someday.... things will be different. Maybe they will be different but not in the sense that we will be together again that's for sure. I must say that I love the fact that he appreciates who I am. Even though it took a little too long for him to figure that out... better late than never.

To me love is a little bit like a roller coaster.. once you've been on one yes it's exciting to get on at first but then it feels all the same with a few unexpected twists and turns. Maybe someday, someone, somewhere will prove me wrong. For now.. that's how I see it. I'm not unhappy where I am, I'm closer to happy now than I've ever been. Mostly because I am not living in a bubble and I am feeling everything around me.. the good the bad and the wonderful.

Most people are watching the Super Bowl. I am not one of those people. But I am going to go lounge before I head off to dream land.

This week has been a long week. Today I have to take a test and then this weekend I have to take two tests for my correspondence classes. I haven't had a chance to keep up with everything as well as I would have liked. Sleep has been creeping in. Last night I fell asleep at 8:30pm. after having been up since 4a.m. Oh well atleast I feel rested for this test. I did do much of the homework I needed to get done to prepare for the tests this weekend. So much to do.

Someone on my friends list inspired a post that I don't have time to write right now... so maybe when I get done with class today or at school or something I'll say what I feel should be said.

have a wonderful day everyone.

I'm following that rule that says if you have nothing good to say then don't say anything at all =) I'm still alive.

Everything seems to be becoming less and less interesting to me. This is scaring me.. and I definately need to change something. I am working on changing things but some aspect of change our not in my control. I did sign up to take a meditation class and a Tai Chi class on Tuesday nights. I am very exctied to start, this should help relieve some of my unnecessary stress and encourage me to relax. For now.. I have to push through this crap that I have put myself in and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You're a CASUAL AIM-ER! Congrats, you're
normal...or you're pretending to be.


What kind of AIM-er are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
borrowed from kaerin

I haven't posted a public entry in awhile and I suppose I should give some of those lurking readers (if there are any) some idea that I am still around and posting. I have decided to make my journal mostly friend's only simply because I don't feel completely comfortable letting everyone read what I write. I find it hard to say what I really want to say when I have no idea who I am writing to.. then I begin to wonder if anything I write about is even worth writing.. in the end the only person that has to like what is written is myself. I do like what I write for the most part, it is me. So if you want to be added to my list, just let me know by leaving a comment. Someday I will have a friends only banner, until then this will have to do.

Here I am.. and soon I will go. The other day I woke up to find that no form of communication (besides my cell phone) was in working order. The week prior the power was out.. now this week on my day off the phone didn't work and neither did the internet (we had dsl) I call my mom to ask her if she knew of anything happening today (using my cell phone) she said no. I then called the phone company and my mom was having dsl disconnected. The funny thing was that the cable guy was just here the saturday before and I had asked my mom when the dsl was being disconnected to see when I should get road runner hooked up (we weren't happy with dsl) she told me sometime next month. So I was not worried about it. It turns out it was disconnected the other day. I thought well my mom still has aol so I can use dial-up.. oh no.. we don't have a modem, so I called Joe for the modem.. and well he had the modem but he didn't have the drivers and when moving I threw away the box that told me what kind of modem it was along with the drivers (smart I know) So! I haven't been around and I won't be around for a few days yet. I called the cable company and they said they will be out friday evening to hook up road runner. I never realized how attatched I am to having the internet until it is torn away from you unexpectedly. I do all kinds of billing on here, I like to check my live journal friends list to see how things are going and e-mail. Most of my "friends" don't live around here so e-mail is the only way to stay in touch. Don't get me wrong it's not the end of the world but bills do have to be paid and I use the internet to do that.. sooooooo yeah. Long story short my mom forgot to inform me.. it's ok now though.

Nothing overly exciting is happening in my life lately. It has been extremely warm which makes me extremely unhappy. I have gone biking a few times.. and I'm going running more often these days. I am actually losing weight and I'm loving every bit of it! I'm barely trying.. and this is unusual for me. I will not complain. I have a ways to go yet though. Speaking of hot.. I am hot so I'm going to leave Joe's and go home to my air conditioned house.

I met a new friend yesterday. It's nice to finally talk to someone that I can relate to. We're going through some of the same crap and it would be nice to beable to talk to someone that can understand where I am coming from. Joe bought me a new bike last night and I LOVE IT. I have to go pick up my other bike... it's being fixed. I'm excited to have a life again. Hopefully it lasts.

I'm not sure what the point of all this is.. but I think it's interesting... maybe.

LJ Barcode LJ username:

Things have changed. I have moved back to my mom's house.. Joe needs time and space.. we're restructuring our relationship to ensure a happy future.. it's not easy.. but it's happening and there's nothing I can do but accept it. Yesterday is better than today.. but it still hurts quite a bit. It will definately take some getting used to but I spent the day with him talking.. and the more we talk the better I feel about the whole situation. He needs time to live his life.. and be him before we can be us. He hasn't had that chance yet.. and I'm willing to give him that. I'm willing to do anything especially if it means being with him forever. As hard as it is.. this could make us fall more in love with eachother. I'm starting to think it will be ok. I'm just so greatful that it's not over.

In other news.. I dropped my classes. With the restructuring of the relationship part of my life.. I really really really really have no desire what so ever to finish a degree I hate. No one will ever understand what it took me to go to class and get the credits I have for the degree program but what I do know is I hate it and it's surely not worth being miserable for 9 more months for a piece of paper that I don't want. There have been several signs that I should have just dropped everything.. all that struggling with financial aid.. I thought I was just supposed to push my way through.. but sitting through 2 classes and coming home nearly in tears because of how much I detest them.. it's really not worth it to me. I spent 4 years of my life being miserable pushing through college for some unknown reason other than to be accepted by society and by myself.. I have a whole new outlook on life and what is good for me and torture is not in the plan. So.. I'm living back at home for the time being.. I have to get my finances situated.. and then maybe I"ll be on my own.. who knows.. until then I guess this is the time I take for myself.. just like Joe's taking time for himself.. that's something that's a little strange to get used to.

I'm very proud of him for having the guts to follow through with what he knew he had to do.. and he's just as proud of me for understanding. It'll be ok.

to bed.

A lot has happened and very little has happened all at once. I don't really even feel like expanding on what has happened so I'm not real sure why I'm even posting. I'm writing my ex.. from FL a big long fuckyou-thankyou-goodbye letter. I'm done with having him in my life at all. Every time I talk to him he just reminds me of what once was and will never be (which I am greatful for) but I'm sick of re-living that pain every time he says hello. If he's not reminding me of painful times he's rubbing his life in my face and basically I leave the conversations feeling worse than I had when the conversation started so there's really no reason to continue with that "relationship" whether he considers it a friendship or not there's nothing left in it for either of us to learn from.

I have to go buy my books for classes that start today. I am not excited but I will get through this degree program and I will have a diploma.. that I am excited about. Come December 2003 I will have a degree. Who would have known? No one not even me. I'm really excited to get it all over with so that I can start living life exactly the way I want to.

My friend Ashley is now living in WI but she cannot leave her residence due to some controlling issues so I will go kidnap her for a few hours today and hopefully have a decent time. That is my goal anyway and I hope to succeed. It is a 45 minute drive but it will be worth it. I'll have to call and let my mom know that I might not be there for dinner.. I don't think she'll be too upset. I'll come visit her when I get done.

I must be on my way.. this is a busy day.

I had a huge long post typed out and LJ decided to eat it.. so yeah I have nothing to say now.

Well I did my part in figuring out what can be done about my financial aid. Apparently it takes 6 months for it go to into the national system to let all the schools know what is going on but if they go to the nearest funding establishment they would see what really happened. Apparently they neglected to do that prior to telling me I would recieve nothing. They are re-evaluating everything and they will get back to me. Had I not questioned what was going on I wouldn't recieve anything. Somehow I don't think this is my job. Oh well... it's done now it's in their hands and they will send me an award letter. Now that my cell phone bill is through the roof it's all sorted out. Our home phone isn't hooked up yet, the telephone company takes their sweet time when you move. =) I am relieved to know that I do not have to pay for the semester I did not attend. WOO!! /end frustration

My friend Ashley is going to be coming here .. her grandmother is not doing well. I'm sorry that her grandma isn't doing well but I'm happy to know she can come visit. Off to work I go

So I've been extremely frustrated with the school system and the credit card compainies as of lately. Yesterday I got up early and I was ready to accomplish a billion things. I had a dispute with my credit card company and now everything is a-ok there. Then I went to school to pay for my summer classes. I had to go check the status of my financial aid for the summer. The woman told me that I had maxed out my funding for the year. This could not possibly be true because I withdrew from my classes spring semester. So if everyone did their bookwork correctly I should still have 1,700 dollars left for this year yet. No.. they didn't do it right. So when I withdrew from my classes I had to pay 500 dollars because I only got a 50% refund.. and then I called up financial aid yesterday and they said that I am still being charged the full amount for the loans. So not only did I pay for an entire semester that I did not attend but I paid 500 more dollars on top of that. Needless to say I am very very upest about all this. So I have been calling everyone trying to get this all straightened out and I guess it falls back on the institution that I attended that I withdrew from. So I am in the process of trying to get a hold of the counselor in charge of my financial aid there. Lovely. I called her yesterday once and so far today 3 times. After the third time of recieving no response besides voice mail I asked for an appointment. So if she doesn't return my calls today I will beable to see her at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. I do not really want to get up that early but I guess I will have to do that if I want to get this mess straightened out.

The most frustrating aspect of this is the fact that at the school I am getting my degree from they are considering me a 1st year student for some reason. I do not understand how that could be. They told me that the government is the one that decides that. If this is the truth than my thousands of dollars in loans should disappear because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't beable to accumulate all these loans in the span of one semester. The funniest part was when I told the lady that there is no possible way I could be a first year student because I am graduating this coming semester. She just gave me a blank stare.

My complaint about the school systems as a whole is that they do not have the same information from school to school. Each shool I have attended has given me the run around and it drives me insane. I do my part and I get no answers until they feel like answering. I realize they have other things to do but a phone call takes 2 minutes and if they are so knowledgeable then they should beable to answer me in those 2 minutes. /rant

Despite all this chaos I am still going to take classes this summer so I can graduate in the fall. If they want to consider me a first year student.. fine..but I am doing my best to straighten that part out as well. None of this encourages me to continue with school, and yet I do. My dedication amazes me.

Yesterday I bought a new book it's called Seth Speak's. It's supposed to be great. I have a few days to read it before I start school. This weekend Joe and I are going to Milwaukee most likely to see the domes and enjoy eachothers company. Hopefully the weekend turns out to be better than these past few days. How frustrating..

Not too much has been happening that's worth typing about. I'm starting to lose interest in LJ again. This happens every couple of months. Hopefully it's just a phase but if not that's ok too. I had a very nice birthday over all. I got many wonderful gifts, Joe bought me flowers and wrote me a very nice card. The rest of my birthday present from him is on it's way. The girls from work got me a 60 dollar gift certificate to the place that I get my hair done, I really appreciate that one. I did the cure for diabetes walk/run in the morning. I went out to lunch with my mom, my brother, and my two aunts and Joe. We went to Applebee's. I love their salads. Joe and I spent some time together during the day and then a bunch of us went out to a bar near by for a few drinks. I didn't drink much, I just didn't feel like it. There were some horrible karaokiers (I am not sure if that's a word but if it isn't I just made it up). No one was signing up so this older couple (50's or so) just kept singing songs from musicals. It was ok but it was sooooo incredibly loud. We couldn't talk after the karaoking started. Most of my friends left to go to another bar but I went home and went to sleep. I haven't been sleeping much and it was catching up to me not to mention I had to be up at 6 a.m. the next morning to go to work.

I haven't been feeling the best. Sunday I felt nauseated all day. Today I worked early and I slept all afternoon. I went over to my mom's house to finish up some laundry and I just have felt out of it all day. Tomorrow is my day off and I have to say this is the first day off in awhile that I haven't had something to do. I am definately going to make the most of this day and do only what I want to do. Joe is working so that will be easy to do. I want to go to Windows of Light and see if I can find a book that I've been looking for. I also want to go to this store called Venician imports to find a lamp that I wanted a few weeks ago. I have to find a few things to go around the house.. and a rug. I also need to change my address. None of that is a chore for me though.. so it looks like I'll beable to have an enjoyable day. I am going to sleep in.. that's for SURE. I start classes June 2nd and that's coming up fast. I also have to go pay my tuition tomorrow. I think I better make a list of all the things I want to do or I may forget.

This coming weekend is going to be quite eventful. My cousin turns 21 and we're taking her out. We're also celebrating our birthdays together with the family. Then we're going to go to Milwaukee and spend some time with my friend Mika and her finace.. we haven't decided what we'll do down there but whatever we do it'll be better than staying home.. this much is true.

I need to go run.. bye bye.

I am officially all moved in. The apartment is definately smaller than the last one we had, atleast it feels smaller. I'll get used to it, there is a reason for all this mini-apartment business. The good thing is that there are different rooms to go to. We all need some alone time ya know. Not too much has been happening lately I've just been working and organizing my life once again. Joe and I started going for walk/runs every night now and that helps relieve some of this tension that I have on a day to day basis without any real reasons. Friday or Monday I have to go pay for classes, that's always fun. I am finally going to piece together a degree from all these credits I have accumulated. I have no idea what will happen after that but atleast I know what will be happening in the next 6 months.

My birthday is on Saturday and I will be twenty-three years old. I cannot believe that this means I will have been out of high school for 5 years. I still see some of my high school classmates when I'm working. Strangely enough they don't look very different for the most part. People have been asking me what I want for my birthday and I tell them I have no idea, or nothing. So this should be interesting to see what I end up getting. I'd really like to buy a crystal or 5. So I am probably going to do that with the money I get. I'm feeling old. I know twenty-three isn't that old but time is flying by before I know it I'll be 24. Oh well.. what can ya do?

I'm off to work.. again.

Well we are finally moved. We are still moving some smaller stuff but most of it is all moved. The apartment seems smaller than it had during the walk through mainly because the people that were there before us didn't have much and we have much. =) I am kind of irritated and I will be until everything is organized and put in place. We managed to get most of the boxes emptied and put away last night. One huge problem we ran into is our couch doesn't fit through the doorway to get up the narrow stairs to get in another doorway. So we are couchless. They tried to get it in for five hours and once they got it in the doorway it wouldn't get past the doorjam to get up the stairs. I am pretty upset about this not because I have to have a couch but we have to have places for people to sit and we still haven't gotten our security deposit back from our other apartment becuase that landlord is so cool. So we're looking at futons atleast those come apart and you can put them back together. The funny thing is we just sold our futon. How irritating is that =) ::keeps smiling:: Life goes on. So the couch will be staying at my mom's house until we are ready to buy a house. ::starts the count down::

So all in all I like the new apartment.. I'd like it better if my couch would fit but I guess that's just something we have to deal with. This gives us more incentive to save and find a place of our own. Other than that minor set back everything seems to be going ok. For two people it's plenty of space. Joe and I have decided we've just got too much stuff. It's a two bedroom apartment so there should be no problem fitting everything in but there is. We have managed to rearrange everything just-so. It'll work and that's that.

The new landlords said I can plant whatever I want where ever I want as long as I take care of it. So now I have to go buy flowers but first I have to buy a futon. Time to go look at futons.

I am tired again. I think it has something to do with the sugar I ate the other day. Sugar and me do not get along very well at all and I know this but sometimes I just want something sweet.. and not fake sweet. So I suffer. Now I'm tired. That's life. I work today and then I'll sleep some, work out, and continue packing. I feel like I'm becoming a boring individual again. I used to have semi-decent things to say on here and now I just blad about nothing. Most of the time it's probably because I need to make it a friends-only entry and I don't so I just don't say anything. =) Makes so much sense I know.. on that note.. off to work I go.